I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
