Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
