Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
