I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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