Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
