Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
