Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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