Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
