you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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