i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
