you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
