RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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