im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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