cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
