is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
