Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Screwed.edu
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
