I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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