My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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