I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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