Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
