I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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