I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
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