Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
