I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
