You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
