If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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