just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
