FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
