Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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