Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
