Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Randomize
