Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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