I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
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