If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Randomize
