Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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