Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
