toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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