haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
