i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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