oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
