I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I am mentally ready for anal.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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