Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
