dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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