I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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