Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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