This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
