I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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