if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
