What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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