Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
